I’ve posted blogs in the past that mentioned the term skin hunger, the physical and psychological need for meaningful human touch, and I received an inquiry asking for more information about this phenomenon. So, here you are. Top 5 things you should know about skin hunger.
1. It’s an actual *NEED*
Like the name suggests, skin hunger isn’t a desire, it’s a primal necessity that like food, water, and sleep, humans will hunger, long, and ache for when they need it.
The outcomes of unmet skin hunger have been explored in a number of well-documented (but ethically questionable) research studies. Babies in hospitals, orphanages, and other institutional settings that receive adequate bio care (feeding, bathing, and changing) but are left in cribs for 20+ hours a day and not touched or held, experience lasting neurological changes including shrinking of the volume of gray matter in the brain. Adults deliberately exposed to the common cold virus in a lab are less able to fight off the virus and more likely to experience severe symptoms if they didn’t get many hugs in the two weeks prior to the study. Â
2. It can be partially satiated through sex, but doesn’t have to be
The intimacy of sexual activity is a method to satisfy skin hunger, but it’s only one method. Skin hunger isn’t about sex and there are dozens of ways to nurture your need and provide it for others that isn’t inherently sexual or romantic. Examples include:
Hand shakes
high fives
hugs
pats/rubs on the back
shoulder squeezes
nose boops
massages
piggy back rides
dancing
holding hands
linking arms
playing footsies
kisses (on the head, hand, cheek, or lips)
cuddling
using a friend’s shoulder as a pillow while watching TV or riding the bus
stroking their hair
tickling
horseplay (pillow fights, play wrestling, etc.)
sitting on laps are all examples.
3. Tons of people aren’t getting their skin hunger needs met for a host of different reasons
Lots of us are skin starved, but some populations that may experience touch deprivation most include:
Tweens and teens: Have you ever noticed that people in this age group are constantly horsing around, shoving, and playfully hitting each other in the arm? In western social norms, 11-17 years old are often considered too old for kissing and snuggling their parents, and too young to be given privacy for kissing and snuggling a boyfriend or girlfriend. My theory is they turn to tackling each other to meet skin hunger needs.
Elderly: Social isolation and extreme loneliness that can occur in later life as spouses, friends, and family die off has had a well documented affect on touch deprivation and overall health outcomes.
Institutionalized: Whether it’s in a prison or a hospital, there’s been some research on the torture-like effects of going days, months, years, or even decades without human touch as a matter of institutional policy.
Men: Those pesky social norms that make cuddling, hugging, and hand-holding “feminine” behaviors and “feminine” behaviors undesirable has left lots of men folk in severe touch isolation.
All of us: Between ever increasing work commutes keeping people alone and away from their loved ones for more hours of the day, social media that does a phenomenal job of connecting us emotionally but can disconnect us physically, this irksome but prevalent cultural myth that conflates touch with sex, concerns about touch and sexual harassment, and an epidemic of deep chronic loneliness, it’s safe to say many/most/all of us might be a bit skin hungry.
4. Skin hunger is related to violence
Observational research has found a number of correlations between touch and aggression. Researchers observed people sitting with their friends or family members in cafes and restaurants in different nations and noticed how many times they touched each other (leaning against them, rubbing their back while talking, putting an arm around their shoulder, etc). Participants in cultures that experience less violence were observed to touch each other much more than cultures with high rates of violence. Among the highest was France with 110 touches in 30 minutes. In the US it was 2 touches in 30 minutes.
The interactions among low-touch cultures were also more aggressive and violent among the peer group, not just within the country at large. For example, a 30 minute observation showed more pushing, hitting, and aggressive verbal communication among the American participants with low rates of meaningful touch.
5. There have been conscious attempts made recently to meet human touch needs
Skin hunger is a relatively new concept, and it’s starting to be seen a public health issue crucial to our well being . As such, active efforts to bridge the touch gap have been started, and include the free hugs campaign, cuddle parties, professional cuddling businesses, senior care facilities offering training for their staff on touch as part of elder care, and hospital volunteer programs to cuddle sick newborns.
Check back next week for another Top 5 Friday!
Dr. Jill McDevitt is a nationally recognized, San Diego based
sexuality educator, speaker, writer, and the resident sexologist at
Swiss Navy. She has a BA in Sexuality, Marriage, and Family, MEd in
Human Sexuality Education, and PhD in Human Sexuality, which means she
is the only known person in the world with all three degrees in sex. It
also means she has the coolest job ever!
“But I’m warning you, I’m kind of a brat.” “No you’re not. You’re just a girl who hasn’t had firm boundaries and desperately needs them.”
This was a few years ago, in my baby sub days. I had been kind of bratty in past relationships, but this Dom was not one to tolerate it. I worried he wouldn’t like me. But it turns out that he was right about me. I had always been bratty because I had a deep need for structure that had never been met. I was bratty because I was clawing for boundaries that weren’t there. I teased because it felt like the only way to be thrown down and ravaged. I intentionally broke rules because it felt like the only way I’d feel that tight control closing in on me. I wasn’t a brat; I was a submissive who craved deep and unrelenting dominance. Ownership. I just didn’t know how to get it.
Now that I understand what I need, I can mostly quell those bratty impulses. When I need to feel my Dominant’s control, I say so in a meta talk. I ask how I can serve. I ask permission for things (and sometimes hope for a “no”). I give my Dominant opportunities to lead. I find ways to feel those firm boundaries within my role, rather than stepping out of it.Â
But part of me thinks there is still value in brattiness—not in outright disobedience, but maybe in close calls. You approach the electrified fence. You hear the hum. You use something to test it. Maybe you get a quick zap, just to know it’s there and working. But you don’t barrel through the fence. Gently testing the boundaries can be a comforting reminder that they are there and strong. You are submitting to something, not just making it up in your head. A little brattiness can also signal confidence in the dynamic. It’s only when you know the leash is there that you can tug on it a little.Â
That’s the key—a little. There’s a rush of connection from being put in your place, but it wears off. And then you’re left in a worse place than when you started. It can be tempting to push at the boundaries, especially when you desperately need to feel them. But brattiness is not giving your Dominant opportunities to lead. You cannot disobey your way to firm boundaries and deep ownership. Playfulness is one thing, but intentional disobedience is toxic to the dynamic. Instead, you lean in. You ask permission. You have open, honest conversations about what you need and what is missing. Brattiness may make a spark, but it’s rarely enough to build a fire.
It has taken me some time to figure it out. But no, I’m not a brat. I like to say that I’m a good girl…96.2% of the time.
The precision of that 96.2% made me chuckle. The money shot: “You cannot disobey your way to firm boundaries and deep ownership. Playfulness is one thing, but intentional disobedience is toxic to the dynamic.”
I do have a playful streak, and I know Sir loves that and wouldn’t have me any other way. And I do crave His deep Ownership and the firm structure and leadership He provides, but I trust that He will provide that for me without my needing to try to get it by acting out.
The most painful words Sir has ever said to me were “you forgot, My girl”. The threat of that emptiness in my chest when I feel His disappointment is enough to keep me from intentionally disobeying His will.
Self Mastery Sunday
MP Speaks – Dominant Conversations
If your submissive appears to lack the self awareness that she is damaging the dynamic, if you ever had one to begin with, do not kid yourself. She knows what she’s doing.
The behavior may not be malicious, but it is intentional. She’s just like every other girl who believes that your physical attraction, her willingness and desire to do every freaky thing under the sun is what you want. That the “power exchange” is a front to get access to her freaky sexual self.Â
She’s not committed. She doesn’t believe in the dynamic. Or at least she doesn’t believe in your dynamic. So, self mastery must come into play. Do not believe your own press, “that more Dominance, more punishment, more freaky play and pain” will bring her around.Â
You must do a full stop and generate your own meta talk. She either is not into the power exchange outside of the bedroom or is not into you enough to surrender it.Â
The idea that “she’s new at this” or “she’s not used to it” is a front. If she were submissive, she’d be aghast at her own behavior. She’s even been aghast at it in others. You think she lacks the self awareness or intellectual honesty to see it in herself? No. She’s just not being honest with you. And you’re kidding yourself by kicking the can down the road because she is so much fun, she’s a good toy and the chemistry in the sexual area is white hot.Â
So what? That will burn out and there will be no foundation built for a sustained burn.Â
Sir's submissive 