instructor144:

A couple of reasons. 

1. Look at your Tumblr dash. How is D/s represented? That’s right, as an endless cavalcade of kinky fuckery. People coming into the life can’t really be blamed for thinking the kink is what D/s is.

2. A phenomenon I refer to as being “cock-struck.” (and to be clear, on the hetero male side of the house, there’s an identical phenomenon known as “cunt-struck”.)  The heat generated at the prospect of being used and spanked and fucked by someone who knows how to press your subby buttons can be almost overwhelming, and it takes an enormous amount of willpower to step back, take a breath, and decide that the person has to prove themselves a lot more before they get to enjoy the goodies.

So much this. I have set a new rule for myself as a submissive masochist. 5 dates before getting down to kinky fuckery. I need to know who you are as a human before I offer myself up. Because when I am in, I tend to be ALL in. I don’t really know how to do things half way. So I deserve to know you can appreciate me before I go “all-in” for you. It was much easier before I fully identified myself as a submissive masochist to have one night stands. There was no give in that. I took what I needed and moved on. But now, with so much giving of myself involved in the exchange I need the ongoing connection in order to feel like I am creating something, and not losing a piece of myself to people who don’t deserve it.

books-n-quotes:

“Take it from me: If you hear the past speaking to you, feel it tugging at your back and running its fingers up your spine, the best thing to do—the only thing—is run.”

— Lauren Oliver, Delirium

curioussubmissivefem:

lovemysub:

lovemysub:

Anon, my dude, pull up a chair and let me tell you something:

I *hate* to punish.

Fucking hate it. It is, without a doubt, my least favorite part of being a dominant. No question. Because my partners are fucking awesome, right? @belovedsangi and @danipup are both extraordinarily intelligent, capable, talented women and it’s important to me that they are happy and free of worry. Why in the hell would I enjoy punishing my partners who I love so much?

I don’t want to. I don’t love it.

And that’s exactly why it’s so critically important that I do it when necessary.

See, part of being a dominant is about providing structure, right? That’s a huge deal. Rules, structure, rituals, conscientious power dynamics are all part of these relationships. They are all part of the toolkit we use to calm our partners’ minds. The submissive asks to be held accountable, and the dominant agrees to hold them accountable.

So if we refuse, if we see them going outside of the rules and structure that they asked for and we do not hold them accountable, *we are failing our partners*. And that’s the hardest damn thing in the world to wrap your head around, I know. But it’s the truth. When you fail to hold your partner accountable for things that they asked to be held accountable for, you are failing your partner.

Punishments are a way to say “hey, I’m here and I’m present and I’m paying attention and I’m doing my job.”

When your submissive strays from their dynamic and you do nothing, your submissive will feel stress. So part of the reason we punish is to eliminate that stress. Punishment itself also serves as a “cleanse”. Your partner feels like they disappointed you when they broke a rule, so you punish as a way to say “ok, this is over and it is forgiven, now we move forward”. Do not underestimate how much that means to a submissive.

Look, anon- I’ve said before and I will say again, I firmly believe that dominants who are quick to punish every slight, inadvertent infraction are fundamentally insecure people. Our partners are human and they will make mistakes, so one of the biggest parts of being a dominant is knowing when punishment is appropriate and when it isn’t. I always say that I look for patterns of behavior rather than specific incidents.

I had this conversation with @danipup the other night, in fact- she inadvertently ran late on something I asked her to do and she was feeling stress over it. So I called attention to the behavior to let her know that I was paying attention, but I also didn’t punish her and I explained why- it was because she has been a model submissive at every other possible opportunity, and this was simple human accidental error rather than a willful disregard of our dynamic. I talked her through all of what I just talked about here and that was enough. Not every situation merits a punishment.

And not every punishment needs to be physical, either. Both of my partners are masochists, so spanking either of them to punish wouldn’t be terribly productive. I focus on things like chores that need to be done in most cases. You don’t need to torture your partner. You just have to let them know that you are present in your dynamic and let them know that you are willing to step up when you need to step up.

I’m fortunate to have two amazing partners who almost never give me reason to punish. I’m thankful for that. But part of the reason they do not is because I’m extremely mindful of things and head them off before they become a problem. If you hate punishment like I do, be more mindful of the way you guide your partner. If you step up in that way, if you succeed there, you won’t be faced with having to punish often.

But when you are, when it is necessary, make no mistake: you have to do it. Otherwise you’re failing them far worse than they may have failed you.

-LMS

I should’ve mentioned this in the original post, but it slipped my mind: if you hate punishing, like I do, make sure your submissive partners understand that.

If they know that you love them enough, that you give enough of a shit about your relationship to do something for them that you don’t enjoy doing, it makes it that much more powerful and impactful.

-LMS

So much wisdom here. Where do Doms like this exist in my reality?