(this piece needed some cleanup and formatting, so I’m reposting it)
i reblogged a wonderful piece a few days ago, “ten things a sub expects a dom to know without being told.” A really good piece, strong and thought provoking.But as is so often the case here on Tumblr, the emphasis is the same as it is in a porn flick: “It’s all about the girl.” So I decided that this called for a counterpoint to balance the dialectical scales and possibly even spur some discussion. Those who have read the piece I reblogged will recognize some of these 10 items as being more or less identical to the items in that piece. This is by design, and is intended to emphasize that so much of the glue that holds a D/s relationship together is reciprocal.
And so without further ado …
“ten things a dom expects a sub to know without being told”
1.He needs to be the priority. Your Dominant cannot be put in the corner and trotted out when you need him. Make him your priority even during those times when you think you DON’T need him. Because the truth of it is, even during those times, you secretly do need him, you just aren’t consciously aware of it.
2. He has emotions and needs them acknowledged. The internet (and Tumblr is especially egregious in this regard) has created the toxic stereotype of the Dominant as this calm, cold, unemotional Olympian figure who is always as in charge of himself as he is of his submissive. Many a submissive has run screaming into the night at the sight of her Dominant having a moment of weakness, or self-doubt, or — The Horror! — shedding a tear. Accept that your Dominant is human, and respect the effort he exerts to be strong and confident for you 99% of the time.
3. Know him better than others. If your Dominant is having emotional difficulties, or even something as “insignificant” as a bad day at the office, you damn well better know it before his friends do.
4. Let him control things (including you). That is his responsibility. Yours is to obey.
5. Abide by the rules. Your Dominant constructs various rules, tasks, rituals, etc, for a purpose. That purpose may not always be obvious to you. It doesn’t have to be. Trust that he knows what he’s doing, and accept the fact that submitting to his rules on a daily basis is just plain hard work. If you’re not willing to put in the work, then you should do some soul-searching and evaluate how deep (or even genuine) your submission really is.
6. Remember that he is yours. This is always reciprocal. Just as he expects your total devotion and commitment and fidelity, you have the right to expect those things from him. To be clear, this is not the same as taking your Dominant for granted. Just as he has to earn those things from you every day, so you also have to earn them from him every day.
7. Appreciate the work he puts into you, and let him KNOW that you appreciate it. Being a dominant (especially in a day-to-day rather than sporadic relationship) is damned hard work. Let him know how much it means to you that he considers you worthy of all that work and direction and energy.
8. Be mindful of your respective positions in the D/s relationship. He is your Dominant. Can you be affectionately playful and impish? Yes; any Dominant who doesn’t relish such from his submissive on occasion has some significant self-confidence issues. Sarcastic or willfully bratty? Not a good idea. Not a good idea AT ALL.
9. Give the same respect you get. If he shows you that, despite the way your relationship might look to the vanillas, he holds you in the highest respect, then return that respect. If you come to the conclusion that he does NOT hold you in the highest respect, you might want to evaluate your relationship and possibly move on.
10. Above all else: he expects your submission to be whole and complete and without reservation, save for those things that the two of you negotiate as equals BEFORE you offer him your submission. Once you submit, he has full right and claim to ALL of you. You don’t get to cherry pick your submission. You don’t get to submit in just those areas where it’s convenient. You don’t get to submit just when you’re in the mood. There are no half-measures with your submission. If you can’t honestly say to yourself that you are all-in, then accept the fact that this means you’re not in AT ALL, and decide what to do about it.
Reblogged at the request of a Follower.
Reblogged by request. It is absolutely insane that this thing has over 14K notes. 😮
There are lots of things in life that bring me pleasure. A perfectly
roasted chicken. Unicorns. Glitter. Tootsie rolls. Fairy lights. Getting an A+.
A really good action movie with lots
of explosions and guns and violence and goofiness. Debating ridiculous philosophical
and political and other stuff with my best friends. Traveling. Getting the
perfect messy bun. Literally, the list goes on and on and on.
But nothing brings me pleasure the way that his pleasure does, the way my Dom’s
pleasure does. And I’m not just talking about sexual pleasure – I’m talking
about all kinds of pleasure. Sucking his cock and taking it all the way down my
throat over and over until he feeds me his cum and tells me what a good girl I
am for him and getting to revel in the fact that I’ve given him such pleasure
that he couldn’t help but cum brings me such tremendous pleasure. But you know
what else brings me pleasure? Knowing how pleased he is when I serve him his
favorite dinner. Knowing how much it pleases him when I fold his t-shirts the
right way. Knowing how much he loves and gets pleasure out of watching me sing
along (badly) to my bubblegum pop playlist while I wash the kitchen counters.
Watching his face light up when I meet him with a drink and a smile when he
gets home from work. Kneeling at his feet and leaning against his leg so he can
pet my hair while he reads or watches TV and giving him the comfort of knowing
I’m there, knowing I kneel for him, knowing I serve him, knowing I love him, knowing
that I’m his with that very simple act.
And when it’s sexual? The way he chuckles when I’m tied to his bed and writhing
beneath his touch and whimpering and begging for release? It makes me smile
inside. The way it turns him on to deny me? It makes me even wetter. The sick
and twisted joy he gets out of ruining an orgasm or denying me one? It makes my
girl parts tingle and makes me beg even harder. If he didn’t get pleasure out of
the things he did to me? It wouldn’t be the same. I get turned on because of
his dirty words and his talented fingers and the way he fucks me until I can’t
think straight, sure – but, even more, I get turned on by knowing how much
pleasure he gets out of watching me whimper and moan and beg and cry and do
what I’m told.
It’s all kinds of pleasure. Any pleasure I give him, any way I please him, any
way I make his day better or make him happy or make things just a little bit
easier for him brings me pleasure. It pleases me to make him feel good. It
makes me happy to know that I’ve made him happy. It makes me feel whole and
safe and happy and good to bring him pleasure. It lights me up inside. That’s
why I serve him – because pleasing him is what makes me the happiest I can be.
2. Because I crave
structure and I crave it from him.
I am a person who craves structure. No, I don’t just crave it – I need it. I do better with rules and
limits and a schedule in place.
But here’s the thing – I don’t do well with following the rules and limits and
schedule when it’s wholly self-imposed. I can create a structure to follow when
I have something to answer to (for example: a job). But when I am wholly left
on my own I struggle to maintain that balance and those limits and that
structure. I do well with picking one thing to focus on and setting up the
structure for that (for example: gym and diet) – but when it comes to creating
a structure for my overall life I get overwhelmed and tend to withdraw to a day
of procrastinating and ignoring the schedule that I’ve tried to put in place
for myself.
I am a person who does better when I know someone else has expectations of me.
I have such passion and talent and drive – but I struggle with figuring out
where to channel all of that without having something to work toward. And my
brain works at such a speed and in such a way that instead of being able to
focus in on a few options or possibilities I just see all of the options and
end up in a never-ending loop of everything I could do and not knowing which to pick. So having someone to help
me wade through that, help me set in place the limits and parameters and
structure to figure out how to focus that drive and passion and talent… It
makes it easier for me to know how to order my day, for me to plan what to get
done when, for me to accomplish things and go to bed feeling like I’ve been
productive.
So I crave someone who is willing to take on the very heavy responsibility of
helping me create a structure for my life and then holding me accountable when
it comes to sticking to it.
3. Because I don’t always do what’s best for me and when that happens I need someone I can trust to point that out to me.
It’s true. I have a habit of spiraling and, when I do, sometimes I can recognize it and set myself back on track and pull myself out of the hole. But sometimes I make a bad decision. And then I make another. And before I know it I’ve set myself on the path to a cycle of self-destructive behavior.
And then that happens, I need someone who can gently but firmly sit me down and talk me through it and help me set myself back on the right track. I want him to help me set limits. To help me set-up the rules. To, once again, help me create that structure – or alter the structure that’s already in place.
I need him to be my voice of guidance when I can’t guide myself. I want to know that he has my back. And I want to know that he’ll put limits in place for me when I can’t do it for myself.
4. I need someone to hold
me accountable.
I am a people pleaser. I like to please people. And, true, if my mental
health struggles and therapy have taught me anything it’s that you can’t live
your life entirely focused on pleasing everyone around you. But having a set
person in my life who has agreed to be in a relationship with me where he holds
me accountable and gives me rules and structure and sets expectations for what
he wants from and requires of me gives me a way to feed that people-pleasing
need without going overboard and feeding my anxiety.
But it’s more than just feeding that people-pleasing need. It’s about being
held accountable. It’s about knowing that if I say I’m going to do something or
if he asks me to do something or if he sets me a task or a rule or what have
you – that he’s then going to follow-up to ensure that it’s done and, if it’s
not, that there are going to be consequences and those consequences are going
to come from him.
It’s part of the structure that I need. And I don’t want to put this on someone
who doesn’t want to provide that kind of structure or who doesn’t want to take
on that responsibility – I’m looking for someone who gets a sense of
fulfillment out of taking on that role. Who enjoys providing me structure, who
enjoys holding me accountable, who enjoys leading me. Because knowing that he
enjoys that helps me feel pleasure, helps me feel calm, helps me feel at peace.
I need to be held accountable. I need to know that there will be consequences
for my actions. And I need to know that that accountability and those
consequences will come from the person that I respect and trust most.
5. Because I want a
relationship that’s a give and take.
So much of what you see on tumblr has to do with the Dom being responsible
and taking on all the control and having to set in place all the rules, limits,
and boundaries, and having to be responsible for the welfare of their sub and
on and on and on…
But that’s not a real D/s relationship. At least not to me.
A real D/s relationship is about a give and take. Both (or all) parties take on
responsibility. Both parties are responsible for watching out for the other,
for caring for the other, for protecting and respecting and loving the other.
Both parties are agreeing to act like adults, to handle disagreements with
maturity and within the parameters set-up, to respect the limits and boundaries
and rules put in place.
Your Dom takes care of you, yes. Your Dom agrees to hold you accountable. Your
Dom agrees to lead you and pleasure you and take on responsibility for
providing for your needs. But you take care of your Dom as well. I am
responsible for watching out for him, for making sure he’s happy, for ensuring
that he’s reaching his full potential and that I’m helping him in whatever way
I can. I am responsible for talking to him, for telling him what I think and
how I feel and for making sure that I share my problems and worries and issues
with him. I am responsible for remembering that he can’t read my mind. I am
responsible for asking him if he’s okay. I am responsible for listening when he
needs to share his problems and worries and issues with me. I am responsible
for taking care of him. I am responsible for loving him and respecting him and
being the best I can be for him.
Because when he agrees to take on the responsibility of being my Dom – I, at
the same time, am agreeing to take on the responsibility of being his sub.
Because the responsibility of a D/s relationship doesn’t belong to just one
party – it’s shared between both of us. It’s a partnership, a team, a unit. It’s
a power exchange. An exchange. Which
means there’s give and take. And I want that. I want to give my partner as much
as he allows me to take from him. Because that’s the only way that both of us
can remain healthy and whole.
6. Serving gives me
pleasure.
Serving him gives me pleasure. Making a home not just with him but for him. Making it pretty, making it
pleasing, making it a warm and happy place to come back to every night. Making
him dinner. Doing his laundry (but not the ironing!). Making sure his shirts
are all hung-up in the proper place when they come home from the dry-cleaner.
Bringing him his favorite drink at the end of a long day. Washing him in the
shower. Worshipping his cock. Keeping our home clean. Making sure I pick up his
favorite snacks at the grocery store. Making sure he remembers to grab a water
before he leaves the house for the gym. Serving him in so many ways.
Doing the little things (and the big ones!) that makes his life happier and
calmer and altogether just a little bit easier – that makes me happy. Knowing
that I’m helping him and making it easier for him to go through his day makes me
feel complete.
And I know a lot of people will read this and ask what he’s doing to make my
life easier and happier and calmer – and the answer is this: he’s doing so much. He’s holding me accountable. He’s
providing my structure. He’s giving me a healthy and safe outlet for fulfilling
my needs to please people and to serve. He loves me. He helps me make sure that
I take care of myself – and takes care of me when I can’t do it. He gives me
just as much as I give him. In his way, he serves me too. It’s a different kind
of service than I give him. But it’s still service. Like I said, it’s a give
and take.
7. Because kneeling for
him brings me tremendous peace.
I suppose this could fall under service but it’s such a distinctive act
that brings such tremendous fulfillment and peace that I felt like it deserved
its own number.
It really is that simple: kneeling for him brings me peace. Kneeling for him
makes me feel safe. Kneeling for him is fulfilling. Kneeling for him is a
privilege. Kneeling for him is calming and pleasing and a position of both pride
and complete and utter joy.
I love kneeling at his feet. I love kneeling in front of him. I love kneeling
in the center of the room so he can watch me. I love kneeling simply because it’s
where he wants me to be. It’s like meditation and prayer and supplication all
rolled into one. I enjoy taking a position of worship on my knees. I enjoy
worshiping him. I enjoy bestowing that honor on him time and time again. And I
feel so tremendously lucky every time he allows me the privilege of kneeling at
his feet.
It makes me feel safe, it makes me feel whole, and it makes me feel lucky to
take my position at his feet. Because it is a physical, positional reminder of
who owns me and it gives me the time to reflect on exactly why I picked him.
8. Because I don’t want
to be in charge.
It really is that simple. I don’t want to be in charge. I am in charge of so
much in my day-to-day life. I take on so much responsibility. I care for my
friends, I care for my family, I feed the people I care about, I have
tremendous responsibility in work, I am responsible for teaching new hires, I
am responsible for providing advice on this blog (and yes, I am aware that is a
self-imposed responsibility). And there’s more – so, so much more.
And when I’m done with that I don’t want to make decisions. I don’t want to
have to make the rules. I don’t want to have to be responsible for what happens
next. I want to be told what to do. I want to be told what is expected. I want
to be told how to please someone and how to do it right. I want to submit
myself to someone else’s control. I want to hand myself over to him and his
decisions and his direction. I want that peace. I want that safety. And I want
to end each day with that sense of fulfillment.
9. Sexually, I find far
more pleasure in cumming for him than I do in cumming for myself.
Orgasms are great. I love orgasms. I really fucking love to cum.
But cumming for myself just doesn’t give me the overwhelming sense of pleasure
(emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually) as cumming for him does. When he
tells me how to get there, when he tells me what to say, when he makes me beg
and cry and whimper and scream and tell him all of my darkest, dirtiest, most
depraved fantasies while I try my hardest not to cum without permission… When
he makes me wait for it, makes me edge over and over and over, making me hold
off… When he finally tells me to cum. When he finally gives me permission. When
he finally tells me to let go… It’s unlike any other feeling. Because I know I
have earned that orgasm. Because I know he’s allowing me to have that orgasm
because I’ve pleased him so much that I’ve earned the gift of it.
Orgasms are great. They really, really are. But orgasms are even greater when
they’re a gift from him.
10. Because I love being
told no.
I do. I love the reminder of who is in charge. Or who I have trusted with
my welfare and my care and my pleasure and my safety. I love knowing that he’s
paying attention to me. I love knowing that he’s watching what I do. I love
knowing that he’s making sure I’m staying within the lines – because it reminds
me every single time of how committed he is to me and to our dynamic and to the
promises that we’ve made to each other.
And I love knowing that he’s in charge. And that he knows he’s in charge. And
that he wants to remind me he’s in charge. Because it makes me feel safe. And,
tbh, it makes me pretty damn wet.
I have been trying for weeks to write about the subject of home; but I have also been thinking a lot about writing about Sir, and what He has brought to my life. My thoughts have been torn between the two and I haven’t been able to properly formulate either one to my liking – a jumbled mix of thoughts and feelings racing through my brain.
When it comes to thoughts about home, after a rift in my family has left me with no parents in my life and my only sibling refusing to speak to me, I have realized that home for me, is not a place. It is not the house, or even the city in which you were raised. It is not the schools you went to, or the classmates you had, no matter how close.
Home, for me is a feeling. It is a state of being. Home for me is where you are the most authentic version of yourself. Where you feel free to express yourself openly and without fear of judgment. Where you are accepted for all that you are. Where you feel a sense of peace and contentment, even with the simplest pleasures. It is where you are happiest.
Since i met Sir almost a year ago now, i have been on a journey of self discovery. I knew that I preferred being the submissive partner, but i had no idea how or where to start. When I met Sir for the first time in person I had no idea what to expect. He was firm and respectful and the experience was more than I imagined. I experienced sub-space that day, before I even knew what that term meant.
A long and winding road later, filled with attempts to find what I felt with Sir and failing, we met again. I needed to see if what I felt before was still there. If it was real. If it would still feel the same. But it wasn’t the same. It was better. Laying there afterward with my head in His lap, talking about life, sharing our past and talking about the future, I knew. I knew that I wanted to be His. His submissive.
When He said yes I was ecstatic, but also I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and calmness. Like all of the pieces of my life were coming together. I felt like I wasn’t struggling anymore. I felt excited for the future and what this exploration would bring.
Nothing makes me happier than knowing the little things I do for Sir make Him happy. And whether I am kneeling for Him, or laying in His lap, or texting Him across the distance, it doesn’t matter, because I am His. And in my submission to Him, I am always home. ❤
“Please do yourself a favour. Don’t lower your standards to fit in. Don’t shrink who you are to make others feel comfortable. Do find and surround yourself with people who like you just the way you are and who encourage you to keep growing.”
Sir's submissive 