He enjoyed the dynamic of having her be completely naked in front of him. He particularly liked the balance of power in that circumstance. Watching her eyes watch him. Letting his eyes wander slowly and painstakingly over every inch of her splendid figure. Making sure she understood exactly how much he was examining her. Scouring her every detail. Enjoying all of her. He would sit there, perfectly relaxed, the slightest hint of a smile on his face.
In the beginning she would instinctively move her hands to cover herself up, not that she didn’t want to let him look at her, she just wasn’t used to someone making her sit nude in front of them, while they took her in. He had solved that problem quickly by binding her wrists tightly each time to teach her. Teach her that she would let him examine her at his leisure and at his choosing. Tonight, the rope had been so thorough and so tight that her hands were immobile. He had made her keep them behind her head, leaving her breasts jutting out. Her legs were spread out wide, her bare sex exposed. She had been sitting still like this for what seemed like an eternity. She could feel her arousal building too, which only further enhanced her embarrassment.
“Very nice, kitten. Very, very nice. You look so sexy as you always do. So succulent and delicious. Now, lower yourself to your knees for me. Your evening will continue from there.”
She blushed as he spoke to her, his eyes never leaving her body. Slowly she began to descend for him, the fire between her legs only building, the eagerness to please him growing. Her desire to serve him at its peak. She felt her knees hit the floor and his hand gently touch her cheek. Her body reacted instinctively. The first reaction of many. The first touch of what would be a long, passionate night.
The lifestyle or love style of Dominance and submission is a
highly seductive one with its promise of highly focused devotion and intense
and sensual and sexual pleasures. It is easy to believe from popularization in mass
entertainment and readily available online imagery that somehow Dominance and
submission is the answer to all our desires and prayers for a relationship and
sensuality. Indeed, whether online or in person, there is a genuine high that
can be achieved in the endorphin filled early days of a D/s relationship.
New Dominants are often over eager for prove their
“Dominance” and in so doing can overreach their knowledge and native abilities
in their quest to be the “perfect” Dom or simply to attract attention.
Similarly, new submissives are equally eager to attract the attentions of a
Dominant and feel compelled to “prove” their submission when they eventually
find one.
As with any new relationship there is honeymoon period where
everything seems perfect no matter how imperfect things may be. In the vanilla world,
this phenomenon is called “romantic love” in which the brain is flooded with
pleasure and reward hormones at the mere mention or sight of the new object of
affection. Common sense and rationality are routinely overcome by the flood of
endorphins we experience at the thought of our new companion. In this period,
we are often incapable of seeing the faults or flaws in others or serious incompatibilities
that may be obvious to others but to which we are blind. This is common and
normal and not usually all that dangerous if we do not do something totally
rash or life altering during this period of emotional and sensual high that we
may subsequently regret. If we give ourselves time to settle down and sort
things out we will usually come to our senses and either affirm our place in
the relationship or wisely decide to move on.
In a D/s relationship we are subject to all the pitfalls of
romantic love in the vanilla world but add significantly more peril to the
equation. In addition to the usual romantic and sensual attractions and
distractions of any new relationship we add an exchange of power, heightened
and new sexual activity, and for those who engage in sado-masochistic
activities, potentially intense stimuli. We take the endorphin high of any new
relationship and amp it up by many orders of magnitude. This is part of the
attraction of D/s to be sure but it also makes our ability to act as rational
human beings even more challenging than normal by deeply clouding our ability
to make good decisions or even protect our welfare. This is a particularly
perilous place for a submissive who already has all the pitfalls of any new
relationship to be concerned with but then may also be giving up power,
authority, and even self-will to their new partner. Being submissive, the
tendency is to fully trust a Dominant to be responsible and caring, and to be
subservient to them in many ways. Even if there is some question about how
things are going on the part of a submissive, there is a natural reluctance to
question authority or to stand up for themselves. Doing so seems to be “against
the rules” and off limits in some way and can exacerbate the already cloudy
judgement found in romantic love. Sadly, some so called Dominants will even
pray upon this natural tendency and use it to their advantage in ways that
might be less than responsible.
The state of mind frequently experienced by new submissives
or even experienced submissives in a new and powerful relationship is often referred
to as “sub frenzy.” This is a time when a submissive may be overwhelmed by the
emotions and physical stimuli of a new D/s relationship (or even the idea or
promise of such a relationship) and they fall all over themselves to please and
be pleasing without much concern for their own emotional well being or even
physical safety. This period is characterized by a desire to try and do everything
at once, prove just how submissive they are or can be, please their Dominant at
all cost, and do almost anything not to make a mistake or disappoint. The
attraction to their Dominant is intense and almost overwhelming. The need for
attention and validation is intense and an otherwise emotionally healthy
individual can find themselves driven by neediness, jealousy, attention
seeking, people pleasing, and a host of other negative traits that may heretofore
be foreign to them. Or in the case of a submissive who already tended to these
negative character traits they may become particularly pronounced in the zeal
of “sub frenzy.”
We are all subject to intense feelings and needs in new
relationships, Doms and subs alike, but the circumstances are particularly perilous
for submissives as they throw themselves at the feet of a Dominant who may or
may not be educated and experienced in D/s or perhaps may be less than
scrupulous. Let’s face it, not everyone claiming to be a Dominant is a healthy
or well-adjusted person, some are and some aren’t. We are all people and we run
the gamut of society like any other group, ranging from saints to criminals and
everything in between. The good news is that most Dominants are just average
people who have a desire to express their relationships a little differently
than most society. But as with all shopping experiences, caveat emptor (buyer
beware) is the operative phrase, and being a cautious shopper is not easy when
you are completely overcome with desire for the shiny new object. Whether it is
a car, a new pair of shoes, a piece of jewelry you simply cannot live without,
or a Dominant, it is all too easy to be overcome with desire only to have a
serious case of buyer’s remorse later. In the case of shopping for a Dominant,
the penalties of impulse buying and being totally infatuated with your purchase
can have serious and lasting effects; emotionally, physically, and even
socially.
Sub frenzy is real, very intense, and can lead to some very
poor judgement and decision making. There is no real cure for it as we all get
excited and enamored with our new relationships. To some degree we should be
excited. It’s fun! But the best defense against doing something totally rash
and potentially harmful in this prolonged state of delirium is to be aware that
it is happening and be on guard for actions that might seem irrational in any
other phase of our lives. It is also advisable to have someone rational and
experienced in whom you can confide and who can check your motives and actions
BEFORE you take them. This can be a friend, an experienced submissive, or an
impartial, objective, and experienced Dominant. Have a mentor and a chaperone
of sorts to help you see things objectively, someone who can see things through
clear eyes and can pull you up short before you make a serious mistake. This
can be hard to find when all our traditional friends, family, and coworkers
would consider our exploration of D/s and BDSM to be absurd, irrational, dirty,
or even deviant. It can be hard to find like-minded people whom we can trust to
have our best interests at heart and whom we respect sufficiently to listen when
they are telling us something we desperately do not want to hear.
Obviously, there are many similarly minded people gathering
in places online with whom we can interact and compare notes but it is
difficult to ascertain their level of experience and credibility. This is where
reaching out in person to the D/s or BDSM community in your own geographic area
can be very helpful. It is always easier to judge people in person than online
since so much of our communication is through non-verbal/written means. Almost
anywhere you go or live you can find gatherings of like-minded D/s souls that
are open to the public and to which newcomers are readily welcomed. These are
generally called munches and are usually held in a public location such as a
restaurant or bar. Attendees most often wear street clothes and in fact fetish
wear is often prohibited out of respect to vanilla patrons of the establishment
at which the gathering is held. Munches are a great way to meet people, share
common interests and generally become ingratiated into a new community. They
are non-threatening events that are purely social in nature and I encourage
anyone new to the D/s scene to participate. You can find lists of munches
through Internet searches, by searching public events on social media outlets
such as FetLife, and there is good web site dedicated to tracking and listing
munches called Find A Munch; a link is available in “The Reference Room” on
this blog. Attending munches and meeting other submissives and Dominants is a
good way to learn, see first hand what falls within the norms of acceptability
in the BDSM community, and possibly meet a mentor or compatriot who can help
guide you through the excitement and irrationality of sub frenzy.
Awareness, education, preparation, and objective outside
counsel is key to success in navigating sub-frenzy and I urge anyone
contemplating undertaking a new D/s relationship to do their homework, talk
things over with an experienced and objective third party, and go in with eyes
wide open. You may be a submissive but you are still an autonomous human being
with the ability to make decisions and stand up for yourself. Do not lose
yourself completely. Caveat emptor and enjoy the ride.
“…you know damn well that sex isn’t ever enough for you. You want a brilliant mind that you can stimulate, but that you can also honestly look up to.”
— Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals; p. 163
You nailed it Sylvia. This is why proper grammar is such a big deal to me. Language is an aphrodisiac. You don’t have to be verbose, but make it count. It’s the little details.
Sir's submissive 