foxyshadow:

freakedoutfalcon:

dwpreturns:

Without more specific information, it’s hard for me to judge whether your paranoia is justified.

The original ask feels kinda familiar to me, because it’s the reason the long-distance dynamic with my first Dom ended. Admittedly, my threshold of “I can’t do this” was much lower than Anon’s… I lasted scarcely a week of diminished presence/interaction! During that time I realized that the emotional roller-coaster I found myself on when he wasn’t able to be around was too disruptive to my wellbeing and my ability to manage daily life, and I brought things to an end. I didn’t blame him, because his circumstances simply didn’t allow him to be around more, but I recognized that it meant we weren’t right for each other.

I went back and forth a lot of times leading up to the end of that dynamic, during the “ending” conversations, and for a couple of weeks afterwards. I still wonder sometimes if I was over-sensitive. However, my conclusion keeps being this: For whatever reason, in order for me to submit and feel safe and okay making myself vulnerable like that, I need the other person to be present. I need a certain amount of time, interaction, affirmation, etc. And yeah, that makes me feel really needy, which threatens to reactivate all sorts of insecurities every time it comes up; but whether it’s a “good thing” or a “bad thing”, the fact remains that it’s how I am. Maybe with time I might feel less “needy” but maybe not. Whatever the case, I need a Dom’s active presence—his time and attention—in order to access my submission. If it’s not available, I start closing down… locking up the opened doors of vulnerability. I have simply had to accept that it’s part of how I’m wired, and that it’s a necessary part of any dynamic for me, whether long-distance or not.

I think I’ve come to believe that it’s okay to acknowledge these kinds of needs, even if they seem “objectively” “unreasonable” (noting that both terms have problems buried therein). It’s okay to have needs, and it’s okay for those needs to be acknowledged and addressed with one’s partner(s).

• Maybe it turns out that one of those needs should be worked on, and that it’s healthy to move in a direction where the need has less of a hold on you.
• Or maybe it will always be a need, with your relationships accommodating the need in an appropriate way.
• Or, as terrible as it may feel, maybe it will mean some relationships come to an end, if it proves that your partner(s) can’t accommodate the newly acknowledged need.

Just…don’t be too quick to conclude that it’s a failing, moral or otherwise, on your part. Recognize, acknowledge, and address the needs you find in yourself. Talk to your partner(s) about it. Talk to trusted friends about it. Learn more about yourself in the process.

This is exactly the addition I had hoped would get written.